Crazy Bitches

Director: Jane Clark
Writer: Jane Clark
Producers: Jane Clark, John W McLoughlin, Tara Carbajal
Cast: Vicoria Profeta, Cathe DeBuono, Andy Gala
Country: USA
Year of release: 2014
Reviewed from: online screener
Website: www.thecrazybitchesmovie.com

Crazy Bitches is an enjoyably mature and well-made take on the slasher subgenre, substituting for the traditional college airheads a bunch of friends who have settled down and grown up a bit since they were students together. It has a nice streak of dark humour and characters who are well-defined and distinctive without being caricatures or stereotypes. It does take a long time to get going, and the ending is undeniably talkie, but there’s enough here to more than justify your time.

Thus we have stable cornerstone, wife and mother Alice (Victoria Profeta); uptight virgin (still?) Taylor (Samantha Colburn); rational cancer survivor TBG Dorry (Nayo Wallace: the voice of Harmony Bear in the current incarnation of Care Bears); manly lesbian Cassie (Cathy DeBuono: dabo girl M’Pella from Deep Space Nine); prissy princess, um, Princess (Scottish born Mary Jane Wells, who reads the Downton Abbey audiobooks); Alice’s sister, dippy new age vegan Minnie (Liz McGeever); neurotic actress Belinda (Guinevere Turner: writer of American Psycho and Bloodrayne!); and communal gay friend BJ (Andy Gala). These eight have rented a vacation home on a ranch to catch up with each other.

Over the first hour we explore the various relationships: sexual, romantic and otherwise. More than one person seems to have slept with Alice’s husband Eddie (David Fumero from One Life to Live). Cassie wouldn’t say no to any of her friends, given the chance, but is constantly disappointed by responses both positive and negative. (“Straight girls!” she angrily mutters on more than one occasion.) Princess gets it on with scrawny local Gareth (Blake Berris from Days of Our Lives) who also has his eye on Taylor.

BJ has his own online TV show about spooky and mysterious stuff, as a result of which he is familiar with the story of how seven young girls were brutally murdered in this place, their murderer never found. In the first act he carries a camera around with him videoing his friends but this idea fades away.

Despite BJ’s atmospheric recounting of the location’s unpleasant history, despite a brief scene with a Ouija board (a cliché that the film really doesn’t need), indeed despite a couple of actual murders, there’s very little really happening for much of the film. It’s more relationship comedy-drama than horror. No-one is aware that anyone has been murdered, so there’s no tension. It’s all very well written, directed and acted, don’t get me wrong, but it leaves the viewer champing at the bit for more than an hour, until eventually things turn nasty and the remaining characters realise that they are in mortal danger. The final act makes up for what has gone before by having plenty of action, plenty of blood and lots of twisty-turny plot stuff as suspects are considered, accused and discounted.

The final reveal of who is killing the friends (and why) didn’t work completely for me. There seemed to be two unrelated rationales behind the killer’s behaviour, one that made sense and one that relied too heavily on flashbacks and revelations about who was who and what was what. The latter really wasn’t necessary and just muddied the waters somewhat. There’s a couple of intriguing semi-twist hints right at the end that raise questions likely to provoke much post-screening discussion, which is a good thing.

One thing that did catch me off-guard was the setting. With no working transport, the group will have to trek 20 miles to the gate. What? At one earlier point they drive into the nearest town for a meal so that must be, what, 25 or 30 miles. Just for dinner? That’s outside of my understanding. Because we don’t have ranches in the UK, I simply had no concept of how cut off they were. In any similar situation over here, the walk to the gate would be maybe a mile and half tops. Like the old saying goes: the difference between Britain and the USA is that Americans think 100 years is a long time and Britons think 100 miles is a long way.

Expanding on this transatlantic unfamiliarity, I’m uncertain whether there were any other properties on this vast ranch. Also whether Gareth and his possibly special needs brother Gardner (John W McLoughlin, also one of three producers) own this place or are just employees.  I’m not saying this should have been clearer, just highlighting the problems of culturally specific mental real estate.

On the plus side, there are llamas on the ranch. Also horses and at least one awesome pig. When the transport options ran out, I was kind of disappointed that no-one suggested trying to ride a llama, but I guess that’s a different film. Candis Cayne (Dirty Sexy Money) appears in a splash panel prologue which seems entirely unrelated until right at the end of the film.

This is the second feature from writer-director-producer Jane Clark, following a drama called Meth Head which used several of the same actors. She is currently working on a sequel, Crazier Bitches. Clark is a former actor who was a nurse in Chicago Hope. If the IMDB is accurate, she was also in Vista Street sequel Witchcraft VI and William Mesa’s awesome Brigitte Nielsen cheese-fest Terminal Force (which I totally must track down and rewatch). On the other hand, there’s probably a lot of people out there called Jane Clark…

What I liked about Crazy Bitches was mainly the things it didn't do. I liked that it didn't fill the cast with twentysomething teenagers. I like that the characters weren't drunk, stoned or perpetually horny. I liked that they didn't play unfunny practical jokes on each other. I particularly appreciated the absence of cat scares. (A few times characters are startled by an unexpected knock at the door etc. - that's fine, that's acceptable.) I liked that the film was about characters and relationships, I just could have done with a bit more fear and fright. But on the whole, Crazy Bitches is as fine an indie slasher as you'll see this year.

MJS rating: B+