Ninja Wars

Director: Mitsumasa Saito
Writer: Ei Ogawa
Producers: Masao Sato, Izumi Toyoshima
Cast: Henry Sanada, Sonny Chiba, Noriko Watanabe
Year of release: 1982
Country: Japan
Reviewed from: UK VHS (VTC)

I had heard bad things about Ninja Wars (aka Black Magic Wars aka Iga Ninpo-cho), but surely they were mistaken. While the word ‘ninja’ in a title doesn’t in and of itself signify an enjoyable film - and can in fact sometimes indicate absolute crap - this was a supernatural fantasy starring Sonny Chiba. Sonny Chiba! The man’s a legend!

But you know what? The word on the street was right. Ninja Wars is toss of the highest order. The plot is hopelessly confused and I’m buggered if I could follow what was happening, a situation not helped by two women who look very similar (may even have been twin sisters) having their heads cut off and then magically restored to each other’s shoulders. So is that Woman A with Woman B’s head, or Woman B with Woman A’s body? More to the point, who cares?

There’s some sort of magical aphrodisiac which the bad guy wants to create so that he can administer it to his enemy’s wife and turn her into a nymphomaniac, thus shaming her husband. Or something. And for this aphrodisiac to work it must be made from the tears of a raped virgin. Or something.

And there is a thing called ‘the Frog Kettle’ which is essential to the preparation of this aphrodisiac - a metal pot basically - though this seems to be a completely arbitrary McGuffin.

One thing I did spot is that Sonny Chiba is barely in this movie at all, and when he does turn up (as a mysterious ninja on horseback) he has a scarf over his face. He doesn’t even merit a mention in the cast list although he does receive a credit as ‘Action Co-ordinator’ - or at least, someone called Sony Chiba does! (This makes the movie's DVD release as part of 'The Sonny Chiba Collection' particularly misleading.)

I couldn’t follow who was who, what they were doing or why. And worse than that, I was bored. There’s not much action, not much magic and no tension. There’s a big set-piece halfway through when an army of monks from one temple attacks another temple mid-ceremony, burning it to the ground. I have no idea why; I couldn’t follow the reasons for this or the consequences of it and I had no idea which bunch of monks I should be cheering for during the hopelessly ill-directed fight scenes.

The dubbing is technically accurate - it matches the lip movements - which means that it is painful to listen to. Japanese is spoken in short sentences with pauses between, while English tends to be long sentences flowing into one another (unless it’s spoken by William Shatner). So the only. Way that the dialogue can. Match is. To be broken up like. This and for. Occasional. Meaningless pro. Nouncements like. But Still.

Director Mitsumasa Saito (credited as Kosei Saito on the sleeve) also directed the 1979 WW2/samurai epic Time Wars/Time Slip/GI Samurai which is high on my want-to-see list [And which I have subsequently seen - MJS], although after sitting through Ninja Wars it has slipped down a few places. Screenwriter Ei Ogawa also wrote Toho’s three western-influenced vampire films, Legacy of Dracula, Evil of Dracula and Lake of Dracula.

Among the cast are Hiroyuki Sanada - credited as Henry Sanada on screen and Duke Sanada on the sleeve - who was in Message from Space and Time Wars but is best known as Ryuji in Ring, Ring 2 and Rasen. Akira Nakao, who plays the villainous Lord Danjo, also has some genre credits: Legacy of Dracula and four Godzilla movies. Despite what the Inaccurate Movie Database claims, Jackie Chan is not in this film (or if he is, his role is even briefer and more hidden than Sonny Chiba’s...). Special effects are by Hideo Suzuki.

MJS rating: D

Ninjas vs Vampires

Director: Justin Timpane
Writer: Justin Timpane
Producers: Michael Mead, Liz Burgess
Cast: Jay Saunders, Daniel Ross, Devon Marie Burt
Country: USA
Year of release: 2010
Reviewed from: screener (Left Films)

Ninjas vs Vampires is a curiously bipolar film. Parts of it are absolutely superb and others are distinctly sub-par. But I believe that the former considerably outweigh the latter and so am happy to recommend it.

This is actually the sequel to an earlier film, Ninjas vs Zombies, which has not been released in the UK to date, but that’s not a huge problem. There are parts of this film which clearly refer to the first one, such as discussion of another ninja named Fitz who died, and these might be confusing without this knowledge, but it doesn’t seriously impact on the movie’s plot.

Sadly, this is because it doesn’t really have one. In a nutshell, a young couple are attacked by a gang of vampires, a team of ninjas turn up and fight off the vampires, so the vampires attack the house where the ninjas live, so the ninjas attack the house where the vampires live. That’s about it.

But here’s what’s odd. What Ninjas vs Vampires lacks in plot, it more than makes up for in characterisation. A combination of excellent acting, finely wrought dialogue and good direction creates, from the ninja team and the young couple, six thoroughly believable, sympathetic, rounded, coherent characters. There’s a quite magnificent scene near the start where Aaron (Jay Saunders) visits Alex (Devon Marie Burt: Ghosts Don’t Exist) who had disappeared in a puff of smoke with the ninjas after the initial brouhaha. He finds her at home, not only with no memory of the vampire attack and ninja rescue but unable to mentally process what Aaron is saying. If he mentions vampires or ninjas she hears him but instantly forgets what he has just said. This is a brilliantly scripted, brilliantly acted, brilliantly directed sequence, one of the very best individual scenes I’ve seen in a low-budget indie for quite some time.

The ninjas themselves are a bit tricky to grasp at first, not least because one them, a goth chick named Lily (Carla Okouchi) is also a vampire. Apparently she’s a good vampire because she only drinks the blood of other (bad) vampires, never human blood. Oh, and also none of these ‘ninjas’ are Asian. In fact, come to think of it, there isn’t a single non-white person in the entire film.

The other three ninjas are bald Cole (Cory Okouchi - honesty, he’s not Asian), the nominal leader of the group; blonde chick Ann (Melissa McConnell) who is a witch (and Fitz’ widow); and Kyle (Daniel Ross, whose previous horror credits include Vampire Sisters and, wow, a 2007 feature-length version of EF Benson’s Mrs Amworth!), a great character who mixes dry, witty, cynical-but-upbeat humour with just the right amount of comic book references (“I thought you were going to go all Dark Phoenix on me,” he tells Ann at one point.). The ‘ninjas’ appellation means that the team (“There is no team,” says Cole, “We’re not the X-Men.” to which Kyle responds “But you do kinda look like Professor X.”) - means that the team dress in black, use oriental weapons and do occasional martial arts moves. Except for Lily who mostly just bites people and Ann who casts spells, mostly using a purple crystal which the vampires steal.

So really this isn’t ninjas vs vampires, it’s ninjas, a witch and a vampire vs some other vampires.

What we’re not told (and maybe we were in the first film, I don’t know) is who these ninjas are, where they come from, how they know each other, why they have taken on the responsibility (if they’re not ‘the X-Men’) of battling zombie hordes and vampire clans, The individual characters are fully realised, the team dynamic is glossed over.

On the other side of the coin are the vampires, who are equally unexplained but also suffer by being mostly very poorly defined characters. Sharply dressed lead vampire Seth (Kurt Skarstedt - would you believe, a 2011 remake of Plan 9?) is just awful, a lethal combination of terrible dialogue woodenly recited by an actor constructed from MDF. Most of the rest aren’t much better, including ‘The Bishop’ (PJ Megaw) who wears a metal mask and some sort of lame vampire double act wearing fancy dress hats. One of only two interesting and well-presented characters among the bloodsuckers is Seth’s brother Manson (Daniel Mascarello) who is kept chained in the dungeon for some reason and wear a crudely stitched together leather outfit that makes him look like Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns (“Big Tim Burton fan, huh?” quips Kyle). The other is Lorna who is Seth’s main squeeze, an impish sex pixie wonderfully played by petite Elizabeth Taylor who looks like a 12-year-old Zoe Wanamaker.

The fights between the two groups are as diametrtic as any other aspect of the film. Mad mêlées like the first action sequence are just impossible to follow, not least because everyone wears black. There look to be some neat moves and groovy dismemberment effects in there but constant fast-paced editing means there’s no time to appreciate any of them. In fact that first fight is really quite comprehensively poor because how is an audience to follow what’s going on if a bunch of unidentified, black-clad vampires are attacked by a bunch of unidentified black-clad people, one of whom is a vampire. At night.

On the flip-side, any time we get a one-on-one fight, when the director is patient enough to let us see (a) what’s happening and (b) who’s involved, it’s terrific. There’s a particularly good training session when first Kyle then Cole take wannabe ninja Aaron through his paces which benefits from careful editing, fine choreography (by Megaw and Mascarello) and not taking place in the dark.

Naturally much of the action does take place at night and, even measured against the low quality that is implicit in the phrase ‘day for night’, the cinematography is bad. It’s not much better in the daylight, to be honest. There’s a particularly silly scene when the ninjas, sure they are safe from vampires during daylight, are attacked by bloodsuckers who use the cunning trick of holding blankets over their heads as they run from the car to the house. Really? Would that work? Is it that easy? So basically all that any nightstalker needs, to become a day-walker, is a large enough umbrella?

But in contrast (again!) to the often poor visual quality, the sound is great. A good range of music mixed at just the right level so it complements what’s on screen instead of dominating it. And I love the little ‘snikt’ sound effect every time a vampire extends their retractable fangs.

So a film of two halves then. Well, a film of about eight halves, really. However, the parts that are good are hugely impressive and enjoyable, and the lesser aspects not excruciatingly awful, so the balance is very much on the positive side. It’s great fun and these are characters (especially Kyle and Aaron) whom we really want to spend time with.

Writer/director/DP/editor/composer/tea-boy Justin Timpane is the main creative force behind both Ninjas vs pictures and also appears on screen as a beatnik named Reefer who helps Aaron find the ninjas in the first place. In interviews Timpane has stated that he prefers people to watch ...Vampires first then see ...Zombies as a prequel. There is also a Ninjas vs comic-book spin-off, discussed in a featurette on the DVD (check out the publisher; imagine a goatee and pony-tail on him...).

The cast also includes Leo Rogstad (Stakes, Skeleton Key 2), Teena Byrd (Witch’s Brew, Dead on Delmarva) and Matt Gulbranson (who had bit parts in Mars Attacks!, Eraser, The Osiris Chronicles and an episode of Seinfeld!)

The film concludes with a Halloween-set epilogue that sets up a mooted third picture, Ninjas vs Monsters. There’s a very different alternative ending included on the UK DVD (from Left Films) along with deleted/extended scenes, bloopers, a couple of music videos, the UK trailer and a choice of three commentaries.

MJS rating: B+

Death Code: Ninja

Director: Tommy Cheng
Writer: Frank Lewis
Producer: Tomas Tang
Cast: John Wilford, Mike Abbott, Kent Poon
Year of release: 1987
Country: Hong Kong
Reviewed from: UK video (HBL Video)

This movie was one of several apparently cobbled together by Tommy Cheng (sometimes spelled Cheung) and Tomas Tang in the late 1980s, including Ninja Death Squad, Ninja in Action, Ninja: American Warrior and Another Load of Old Crap with the Word Ninja in the Title.

Basically, what you have here is an unidentified Hong Kong action thriller from the late 1970s, topped and tailed with some piss-poor, unconnected ‘ninja sequences’ shot in HK several years later. The plot concerns a young married couple - hitman and hitwoman - known as ‘the Killer Couple’ who want to retire but find themselves mixed up in an affair centring around an incriminating list of mob bosses. When the husband is killed, the wife seeks revenge, hindered by the local cops.

It’s an okay HK crime movie with a certain amount of kung fu and some nifty swordwork. An early scene shows two mob bosses falling out over a deal involving a ‘strategic Star Wars map’, something which the video sleeve synopsis claims is central to the whole plot. As one boss makes his getaway, his car is attacked by black-clothed ninjas, who are in turn attacked by a white-garbed ninja, clearly played by a white guy. He eventually fools them by hurling his costume over a cliff while hiding, showing that ninjas wear boxers!

A sequence in the middle of the film has four KGB goons killed off by another white guy dressed as a ninja, in this case swathed in yellow. At least some attempt has been made to integrate this and the earlier sequence into the film, however hamfistedly. But the final showdown between the white and yellow ninjas comes right at the end, after the original 1970s story has finished, and has no connection with anything.

I’ve only bothered reviewing this (a) to show my amazement that such a piece of bastardised tat exists, and (b) to mention that the ninjas seems to have some sort of magical teleportation powers, appearing and disappearing in a puff of smoke. Tomas Tang had previously been associate producer on the dreadful Firefist of Incredible Dragon.

MJS rating: E
review originally posted before November 2004

The Art of Pain

Director: Matt Brookens
Writer: Matt Brookens
Producer: Matt Brookens, John LaFlamboy, Matthew M Jones
Cast: Anders Erickson, John LaFlamboy, Greg Brookens
Country: USA
Year of release: 2008
Reviewed from: screener
Website: www.artofpainmovie.com

I think I’m going to start this review with one of those checklists of groovy content that Joe Bob Briggs does as a summary at the end of his reviews. So: zombies, ninjas, comic books, murder, Nathaniel Hawthorne parodies, double eye-pokes, swords, cartoon sequences of alien babes battling skunk apes, weed, motorbikes, jazz piano, camp bald cinema managers, hot dogs and Lloyd Kaufman.

Do I need to write any more?

The Art of Pain is an extraordinarily professional-looking indie feature and not at all the sort of Tromatic, psychotronic malarkey that one would expect from the above list. It’s actually a well-crafted insight into the lives of a group of young cinema staff - sometimes touching, sometimes powerful - but with a hilarious ninja subplot and fantasy sequences that tick all the right boxes.

Anders Erickson (Lost Along the Way, Stand Alone) stars as Jack, a talented but bored/frustrated artist who works as concession manager in a Chicago cinema. His team consists of Sharon (actress/comedienne Lauren Bishop who is also a busy voice-over artist), an aspiring actress whom he is dating; Nick (Greg Brookens, brother of director Matt and co-director of several shorts before this), an amiable nerd who is writing an unpublished comic book that Jack is illustrating; and Stacey (Leena Kurishingal) who has occasional moments as a voice of reason but generally isn’t given enough to do in the screenplay.

Into this team comes pseudo-Brando tough guy Marcus (John LaFlamboy, who was also production designer and one of the three producers), a motorbikin’ bad boy who never removes his leather jacket, even when in bed. It doesn’t take Marcus long to steal Sharon away from Jack, leading to a scene of Jack heckling his ex from the stalls while she is rehearsing a historical play called The Scarlet Letter 2. Marcus also manages to beat up film director George Romano - played by “and introducing... Lil’ Lloyd Kauffman” (sic) - who is attending a screening of his latest zombie epic.

Manager Charlie (a terrific performance of understated, authoritarian camp from Jake Hames: Stump the Band) wants to sack Marcus but Romano asks for him to have one more chance “because he reminds me of me at that age”. Later, after smoking too much dope, Marcus hallucinates/dreams that he is being chased through the cinema by zombies including undead versions of his colleagues.

What no-one at the cinema knows is that Marcus has a secret: he trained as a ninja under ‘master sensei’ Nobu, played with straight-faced perfection and a just-silly-enough accent (which Marcus comments on) by Arvin Jalandoon, who is about as Japanese as I am. All the other students were awarded black belts but Marcus was refused because Nobu was not satisfied with his dedication and control. This leads to a number of great martial arts scenes as Marcus battles Nobu and/or his acolytes. Skilfully choreographed and directed, these fight scenes just made me wonder why British martial arts films can’t do stuff like this and I think the problem is that British chop-socky flicks concentrate on the moves, approaching fights from the point of view of the actors, rather than concentrating on camera-work and sound effects, considering the audience’s point of view first. Also British martial arts pictures could do with lightening up a bit. These things are meant to be entertainment. But I digress.

My favourite line of dialogue that I have heard this year occurs in a tense scene where Nobu and Marcus face off against each other, just after Nobu has made a vague threat: “Go on.” “No, I have finished. It was a haiku.”

Having stolen Jack’s girlfriend, Marcus uses his ninja skills to stalk and murder Jack’s best friend Nick, a likeable, accordian-playing, floppy-haired innocent. I particularly liked the scene which mixes flash-animation with live action as Nick explains the plot of his comic to Jack in an empty movie theatre.

The counterpoint to this is that Jack hasn’t painted anything for quite a while but the pain of losing Sharon inspires him to create a powerful masterpiece. Charlie has a very rich aunt (Danielle Brothers) who is seeking an artist to create a mural in the lobby of a new office building she has just had constructed. Jack’s work is just what she is looking for but he is only able to produce a second example after the pain of Nick’s death.

All this comes to a head in an amazing fight between Jack and Marcus in the former’s apartment with knives, swords, punches and televisions being thrown. Marcus apparently sees himself as Jack’s muse, inspiring his great art but at the same time jealous because he has no talent or skill of his own (apart from screwing people’s lives up). Then, just as the film reaches its climax, it quickly ties things up and ends with an epilogue that, although it makes sense is frustratingly unsatisfying - just a little too pat and perfunctory. It’s not a terrible ending and I suppose the message it sends is reassuring and has been adumbrated once or twice in the preceding 90 minutes but it’s not the powerful whammy that such an otherwise brilliant film deserves.

But don’t let that put you off. The Art of Pain is a generally all-round fantastic movie made all the better by the usage of animation, green-screen sequences and zombies. The acting is uniformly top-notch - heck, they even get a great performance out of Lloyd.

The Troma connection is that the Brookens brothers’ half-hour short Skunk Ape!? was distributed on the Best of Tromadance Volume 3 DVD. What stands out is that this film has all the ingredients (apart from mutants and melon-heavy breasts) for an OTT Troma flick but reins them all in to serve a well-structured story and (relatively) believable characters. The Art of Pain a surprisingly successful attempt to meld Troma-style film-making with, well, the rest of cinema. Matt Brookens’ direction is supremely confident and assured, assisted by a great cast and the skilful cinematography of Daniel Kenji Levin (Squeal, The Devil’s Dominoes).

It’s not perfect; nothing is. Sharon seems to pretty much disappear from the second half of the film, Stacey is (as mentioned) underused and a subplot about Jack’s parents (his mother doesn’t know that her son supplies weed to his own jazz-piano playing father) is neat and fleshes out Jack’s character but ultimately doesn’t really go anywhere. An early subplot about a lascivious projectionist (Marshall Bean, who looks like he shot all his stuff separately) is completely gratuitous and so swiftly forgotten that one wonders why it’s there in the first place. But when you have a zombie sequence this good, flash animation bringing Nick’s comic book story ideas to life on screen and a script so literate that it’s not afraid to have the words ‘ennui’ and ‘chiaroscuro’ in the same scene, why quibble? Such minor points are no more important than the number of Fs in the correct spelling of Kaufman.

Also in the cast are Mike McNamara (The Evil One), Mindy Youroukos as a bartender, Wesley Chu as ‘lead ninja’ and John Turk (who was a bodyguard in The Dark Knight) as a cop investigating Nick’s death. Vicky Strei (Squeal) provided the make-up effects; regular Brookens brothers collaborator Steve Kiefer (Bloody Mary Worth) composed the effective score, much of which is based around the melody ‘Beautiful Dreamer’. The comic-book images were drawn by Jacob Elijah Hallinen, co-creator of the Ghost Spy comic; we (very sensibly) never see Jack’s impressive paintings although there is a great shot through a sheet of glass which becomes the canvas as Jack angrily splashes colours across it.

The Art of Pain is something different from the run-of-the-mill genre fare that you’re used to. It’s an imaginative, well-written, extremely well-made slice of cinematic entertainment. Check it out.

MJS rating: A-
Review originally posted 26th July 2008